|| Great Links || Our Viewpoint || Submit Your Joke || Write To Us || Shopping Center || Home
|| Fun Stuff || Cartoons || News Room || Music Store/MP3s || Archives || Message Boards || Chat ||

			2005 JOKE CONTEST WINNERS THESE SIX JOKES WON OUR 2005 JOKE CONTEST The top two winners will receive a cash prize of of $20.00. The four runners-up will each receive $5.00. We mulled over almost 380 joke submissions to choose our contest finalists. The two $20.00 cash prize winners and the four runners-up with their winning entries are listed below. Each joke was rated on a scale of 1 to 10 and the jokes with the highest point totals became the winners. The jokes were rated by intelligence, inability to predict the punchline, and overall humor. We also favored jokes that we hadn't heard before or weren't variations on old jokes although we didn't hold the line on this if the joke was still very funny. This year we didn't receive any oneliner jokes we considered good enough to list as winners. This year, we also didn't have any winners from outside the United States but that wasn't our fault. WE THANK ALL OF OUR CONTRIBUTORS FOR THEIR SUBMISSIONS. If you would like to enter our joke contest for 2004, please send us your favorite jokes. The top two winning entries/prize winners are listed first but not in any particular order of finish. ARCHEOLOGICAL TEAM DIGS UP ANCIENT TABLET IN ISRAEL     An archeological team was digging in Israel and came upon an ancient tablet. The team leader looked at the symbols. A woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish and the Star of David. After studying the artifact the team was ready to inform the public of their amazing find.     They called a press conference at the University of Tel Aviv and began explaning the meaning of the symbols. "The woman, being the first symbol means that this culture held women in very high regard." "Correct" said the second in charge of the team. "The donkey symbolizes that they were hard workers and had beasts to do much of the heavy lifting. This shows great advancement for this time period". "Yes" the leader agreed. The shovel shows that they were an agricultural society, however the fish symbol placed here means they suplimented their diet with the bounty of the sea. The Star of David shows that they were a religious people."     Questions started to pour in from the audience. One little Jewish man stands up and says in a very thick accent "You're not Jewish are you." The leader looks at his team and then back at the old man "As a matter of fact we're not, why?"     "Because Jews dont read from left to right, day read from right to left. Vut dat tablet is saying is "Holy mackral, dig da ass on dat voman!"--submitted by Joseph F. Bagdal, Cincinnati, OH BELLS HUMOR     Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy and beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them. Each priest had a small bell attached to his manhood, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity. The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, and fell clattering t! o the ground. Embarrassed, Carlos took a few steps forward, and bent over to pick it up. All of a sudden, the other bells began to ring.--submitted by Susan Jones, Dublin, OH SARA PIPALINI     Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says "Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be."     The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and "poof" she's gone.      The second says, "I want to be Madonna;" and "poof" she's gone.     The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini." St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.     "Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.     St. Peter shakes his head and says; "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell." The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says, "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."--submitted by Tim Traynor, Marion, IA AMISH RIDING IN BUGGY     An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold." The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up."     The daughter did and her hands warmed up. The next day the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold." The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up."      He did and warmed his hands. The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold." The girl replied "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." He did and warmed his nose.     The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."     The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?"     The daughter replies, "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they?"--submitted by Sandi Rogers, Sun City, AZ CRITERIA FOR ADMISSION TO MENTAL HOSPITAL     During a visit to the mental asylum a visitor asked the Director, "What is the criterion that defines a patient to be institutionalized?"     "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask the patient to empty the bathtub." 1. Would you use the spoon? 2. Would you use the teacup? 3. Would you use the bucket?     "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would choose the bucket as it is larger than the spoon or the teacup."     "Noooooo," answered the Director. "A normal person would pull the plug."--submitted Bill Rogers, Minneapolis, MN MAN CONSULTS MEDICINE MAN TO IMPROVE SEXUAL FUNCTION     A man getting along in years finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things; but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian Medicine Man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this."     With that said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he says, "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"     The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?"     The medicine man replies: "All you or your partner has to say is '1234', and it will go down. But be warned: "It will not work again for another year."     The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers and prowess. That night he is ready to surprise his wife. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion and cologne. After he gets into bed and is lying next to her, he says, "123;" and suddenly he has the most gigantic stiffie ever, just as the medicine man had promised. His wife, who had been facing away from him, turns over and asks, "What did you say '123' for?--submitted by Helen Murphy, Madison, WI I have read the winning jokes and would like to submit my entry for the 2006 Joke Contest.

|| Great Links || Our Viewpoint || Submit Your Joke || Write To Us || Shopping Center || Home ||
|| Fun Stuff || Cartoons || News Room || Music Store/MP3s || Archives || Message Boards || Chat ||