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			2004 JOKE CONTEST WINNERS THESE SIX JOKES WON OUR 2004 JOKE CONTEST The top two winners will receive a cash prize of $25.00. The four runners-up will each receive $5.00. We mulled over about 375 joke submissions to choose our contest finalists. The two $25.00 cash prize winners and the four runners-up with their winning entries are listed below. Each joke was rated on a scale of 1 to 10 and the jokes with the highest point totals became the winners. The jokes were rated by intelligence, inability to predict the punchline, and overall humor. We also favored jokes that we hadn't heard before or weren't variations on old jokes although we didn't hold the line on this if the joke was still very funny. Also, for the sake of fairness we picked at least one winning entry from the oneliner category. This year, we had two winners from outside the United States. WE THANK ALL OF OUR CONTRIBUTORS FOR THEIR SUBMISSIONS. If you would like to enter our joke contest for 2005, please send us your favorite jokes. The two winning entries/prize winners are listed first but not in any particular order of finish. MAN LOSES APPETITE ON VIAGRA     A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Would you like bacon and eggs, perhaps? A slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?" she asks.     He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."     At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?" she inquires.     He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."     Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like maybe a juicy porterhouse steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?" He declines again.     "Naw, still not hungry."     "Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."--submitted by Joseph F. Bagdal, Cincinnati, OH THE MERCEDES AND THE BEATER     A guy in a fancy Mercedes comes to a stop light and along side him is a guy in an "old beater" with a rusted out body and dents. The guy in the beater looks over at the guy in the Mercedes and says, "Does your expensive Mercedes have a DVD player?"     "Why of course it does," says the guy in the Mercedes. "I suppose your old car does not."     "No, my car does have a DVD player," replies the guy in the old beater. "But does your Mercedes have a computer?"     "Yes, my Mercedes has a computer." I bet your old beater doesn't have one."     "Well my 'old beater' does have a computer just like yours," replies the guy. " I bet your Mercedes does not have a TV like mine."     "Yes, my Mercedes does have a TV..."     Finally the guy in the old beater leans over and says to the guy in the Mercedes: "I bet your Mercedes doesn't have a bed. My old beater has one in back!"     The guy in the Mercedes was perplexed as his car didn't have a bed. So he sped away. That week he took his Mercedes into the dealer and asked if he could get a bed put in his car. He was told he could so he ordered the work done. One day he was out driving and he saw the "old beater" parked along the side of the street. He pulled over and noticed the windows were rolled up but they were all steamy. He got out of his Mercedes and knocked on the side window. Finally the guy rolled the window down.     The guy in the Mercedes said to him: "Remember me? I'm guy in the Mercedes who didn't have a bed in my car but I have one now. You care to see it?"     The guy in the beater looked at him puzzled and said: "You mean you dragged me out of my shower just to tell me that?" --submitted by Andy Hall, stationed in S. Korea These next four jokes were runners-up each winning $5.00. IRISHMEN FIND WAY TO GET AROUND PAYING FOR DRINKS     Irishmen Seamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money; Between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.     Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.     Seamus said, "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!     Murphy replied "Don't worry - just follow me." He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.     Seamus said, "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!"     Murphy replied, with a smile "Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!" They downed their drinks.     Murphy said, "OK now, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."     The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free. At the tenth pub Seamus said, "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more o'this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin' me!"     Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub."--submitted by Everett Stretch, Galena, IL TWO CAMELEONS ON STOOL     Two chameleons were sitting on stools when the one says to the other "You look like shit!"--submitted by John Hughes, Nottingham, UK ONCE A BAPTIST ALWAYS THINK LIKE A BAPTIST     John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John, he was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it anymore.     They decided to try and convert John to be a Catholic. They went over and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbors and become aCatholic. They took him to Church, and the Priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic."     The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved. The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came, and just at supper time, when the neighborhood was setting down to their tuna fish dinner, came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a grill. The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! WHAT WAS GOING ON? They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent? The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish."--submitted by Sandy Rogers, Sun City, AZ THE POPE VISITS MICHIGAN'S U.P. [UPPER PENINSULA]         On a tour of Michigan, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the U.P. for some sightseeing. He was cruising along in a campground in the Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. A helpless man, wearing sandals, Hawaiian shorts, a save-the-whales tee shirt and a tree-hugger hat was struggling frantically, thrashing around trying to free himself from the jaws of an 8-foot black bear.     As the pope watched horrified as a group of yoopers came racing up. One ran up and quickly fired a 44 mag into the bear's chest. The other two reached out and pulled the bleeding semiconscious man from the bear. Then using long clubs, the three yooper beat the bear to death and hauled it to their truck.      Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to come over. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he told them. "I heard that there was bitter hatred between yoopers and environmental activists. But now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true."     As the Pope drove off, one yooper asked his buddies "Who was that?"     "It was the Pope," one replied. "He is in direct contact with God, and has access to all of God's wisdom."     "Well," the yooper said, "he may have access to God's wisdom, but he sure doesn't know anything about bear hunting. By the way, is the bait holding up okay, or do we need to go back down to Ann Arbor and grab another one?" --submitted by Kathy Maupin, Tucson, AZ I have read the winning jokes and would like to submit my entry for the 2005 Joke Contest.

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